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Archive for July, 2011

Intelligence

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about intelligence. I’ve never been happy with my own intelligence; I know a lot of people who are more intelligent than I am and it makes me very self-conscious. I  wish I’d paid more attention in school and even in University which I only finished this year. I tend to be lazy in almost every area of my life. I don’t remember doing homework. I’m sure I did some. But I can’t remember. I used to get in trouble a lot for not having my homework done. And other times the teacher might not ask and I’d get away with it. But I don’t know why I took the risk. I don’t understand why I just never did my homework. I also skipped school a lot; I don’t know why I did that either. It wasn’t that I disliked school. All of my friends were there and it was constantly funny. Again, I blame it on laziness. Some mornings I just would not get out of bed. And then I’d spend the day watching TV, playing video games and going on the internet. And that’s all I do today as well. Writing this has been the most productive thing I’ve done today.

I’ve kind of gone off topic. Sometimes I feel like I’m not on the same intelligence spectrum as others. Other people seems to get the world better than I do. They have opinions and ideas about a subject that make me think, how did they think of that? How did they organise their thoughts so well, so coherently, and so sensibly? I achieved a 2.1 grade in my degree, and I’m not quite sure how. I don’t feel intelligent. I know that I’m bright, I’m self aware, and have the potential to be clever, but I don’t feel smart. It bothers me and I don’t know how I can get to a point where I will feel smart.

How do I stop feeling naive?

My attention span seems to be so small these days that I get bored writing blog posts up to around this mark. I’m going to leave it here and post this so I can feel like I have accomplished something.

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Useless.

So I did what I thought I would do.

Nothing.

I’m still going to attempt to write in this regularly now. I should be writing every day. Instead I watch American Dad and play through all The Legend Of Zelda games I have for the millionth time.

I’ve been trying to formulate a new idea for a sitcom. I wrote the TV Bible for one set in a cafe, but I’m not keen on the idea anymore. It’s not very original and a bit meh. I’ve posted the first few pages of the script for people to look at. If anyone looks at this. Which I can bet maybe about three or four might.

Looking back over it now, I think it’s a bit lame. I like it, but I could definitely do it better. And I’m terrified that my attempts at being funny were even lamer. Ugh. Whatever. Just read it.

1.  INT. CAFÉ      10.00   DAY

BEN IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKING BORED. HE IS STARING IN TO SPACE. AN ELDERLY LADY WALKS IN TO THE CAFÉ AND UP TO THE COUNTER. BEN SMILES PLEASANTLY AT HER.

BEN:         Good morning, Madame. How can I he-

THE ELDERLY LADY CUTS HIM OFF AS SHE BARKS HER ORDER AT HIM.

LADY:      Coffee.

BEN LOOKS SLIGHTLY SHAKEN.

BEN:         Oh….kay. Is it black or white?

THE LADY IS ANNOYED AT BEING ASKED SO MANY QUESTIONS.

LADY:      What?

BEN:         Would you like milk?

LADY:      No, just get me a coffee, would you. I haven’t got all bloody day.

BEN TURNS AROUND TO JO, WHO IS ON THE COFFEE MACHINE.

BEN:         One small black.

JO:             (IN A MOCK ENTHUSIASM) No problemo!

BEN TURNS BACK TO THE LADY, WHO HAS HER HAND STRETCHED OUT WITH COINS FOR BEN. BEN PUTS HIS PALM OUT TO RECIEVE THEM BUT THE LADY JUST DROPS THEM ALL OVER THE COUNTER. BEN NOW LOOKS REALLY FED UP.

BEN:         Would you like a cake?

LADY:      What? Why?

BEN:         (BORED OF HIMSELF) I don’t know.

A QUICK BEAT AND BEN LOOKS OBVIOUSLY PLEASED WITH SOMETHING.

There was muffin else to say.

THE LADY STARES BLANKLY AT BEN. JO TURNS AROUND WITH THE COFFEE IN HER HAND, AND NUDGES BEN WITH HER ELBOW.

JO:             Ho ho! Humour!

BEN LOOKS EMBARRASSED, KNOWING SHE’S TAKING THE PISS OUT OF HIM FOR HIS LAME JOKE. JO SPEAKS TO THE LADY.

He’s mad he his! Here’s your cappuccino, m’love.

LADY:      I didn’t want a cappuccino.

JO:             Why did you ask for one then?

LADY:      Oh forget it. I’ll be late for my train now.

THE LADY STORMS OUT OF THE CAFÉ.

BEN:         Why do they come in here if they’re going for a train? Surely you’d want to give yourself lots of time. And where do old people go? I always see like fifty old people on the bus in the morning. Where are they going?

JO:             Mass?

BEN:         Every day?

JO:             Probably making up for lost time. I’m sure they want to get cosy with Jesus before they’re chucked into the furnace.

BEN:         I need to get a real job.

JO:             Why don’t you then?

BEN:         I’ve tried. I’ve sent out CVs to every firm out there.

JO:             How many have replied?

BEN:         Virtually none.

JO:             Virtually?

BEN:         Alright, literally none, then. Little Miss Semantics.

JO LOOKS AT BEN LIKE HE’S PATHETIC.

JO:             You’re a bell end.

BEN LAUGHS.

2.   INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE    10:30   DAY

TOMASZ IS ON THE PHONE TO REGIONAL MANAGER OF MOONLIGHT COFFEE. JONATHON IS BESIDE HIM, PUTTING HIS EAR TO THE PHONE TRYING TO LISTEN IN. TOMASZ KEEPS PUSHING HIM AWAY.

TOMASZ:              Yes, Frank. Well we haven’t had Café Check in four months….today? Yes okay then. Yes I’ll be here ‘til six…alright. Alright. Ok, see you then.

TOMASZ HANGS UP THE PHONE AND LOOKS ANGRY.

JONATHON:         So, big bad boss man is coming to town, eh?

TOMASZ:              Frank is coming today, yes.

JONATHON:         Well don’t you worry, Tommy boy.

TOMASZ:              (STERNLY) Tomasz.

JONATHON:         Don’t worry, Tomasz. We’ll have this place spic ‘n span by the time he gets here. Shall I go and tell those two cretins outside to get cleaning?

TOMASZ:              What is cretins?

JONATHON:         Beasts. Heathens.

JONATHON LOOKS AT A CCTV IMAGE OF BEN AND JO BEHIND THE BAR, CHATTING AND LAUGHING.

JONATHON:         Wankers.

3.   INT. BEHIND THE BAR         11:00   DAY

BEN AND JO ARE STILL CHATTING.

BEN:         Is it not a bit boring, though?

JO:             How do you mean?

BEN:         Like, when I do it, it’s exciting because I haven’t got my own vagina. But for you it must be like ‘oh, here’s another one’.

JO:             But it’s exciting because it isn’t my own vagina. Otherwise I’d just bend over all day and cheer.

BEN:         (LAUGHING) So you cheer when you see another woman’s vagina?

JO:             If it’s deserving, I may whoop.

BEN:         I wish I were a lesbian.

TOMASZ WALKS OUT FROM THE BACK AND BEHIND THE BAR.

TOMASZ:  You two should be working. Stop standing and do something. There is always something to be doing.

JO:             I need my break.

TOMASZ:  Then go.

JO LEAVES, GIVING TOMASZ THE ‘V’ FINGERS BEHIND HIS BACK.

Ben; the Area Manager will be coming here today so I need you to do some deep cleaning.

BEN ROLLS HIS EYES AND SIGHS. TOMASZ GETS ANNOYED.

TOMASZ:  Don’t act this way. This is your job. You want the money, you do the work.

BEN:         I should be in an office right now, earning a proper salary. Not stuck in this place. I have a degree for Christ’s sake.

TOMASZ:  (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, poor you. Who cares about your degree. No one.

JONATHON WALKS BEHIND THE BAR.

TOMASZ:  You don’t like it here, leave. There are plenty of other cafés and supermarkets around. You’re not going to be getting a job in an office with the way the world is right now.

JONATHON:  You don’t like it here, Ben?

BEN:                     (PATRONIZING JONATHON) No, no I don’t.

JONATHON:         You’re mental. I love this job. In fact, Tomasz, I was going to ask you if I could start training for Assistant…

TOMASZ:              (CUTTING JONATHON OFF) No.

TOMASZ WALKS OFF AND INTO THE BACK. JONATHON IS EMBARRASSED.

JONATHON:         He just needs to think it over. Someone has to get that Assistant manager job. Frank’s been going mental that he hasn’t filled it yet.

BEN:                     I’m sure you’ll get it mate

JONATHON:         Do you really think so?

BEN:                     Oh definitely. I’ve never seen anyone lick as much arse as you do.

BEN WALKS OFF. JONATHON SMILES, AND THEN REALISES WHAT BEN HAS JUST SAID AND FROWNS.

 

4.   EXT. OUTSIDE SEATING      11:30   DAY

BEN COMES FROM INSIDE THE SHOP AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO JO WHO IS SMOKING.

BEN:         I might leave.

JO:             Go on then.

BEN:         Seriously. I don’t know what’s keeping me here.

JO:             Me?

BEN:         If you weren’t a bender then maybe.

JO:             (LAUGHING) Oh so you’re only after me for my tits and fanny?

BEN:         No!

JO:             Good.

BEN:         You’ve got rubbish tits. And I’ve not seen your fanny, but I assume it’s nothing to cheer about.

JO:             (SMILING) You’re getting very cheeky these days.

A BEAT AS JO TAKES A DRAG OF HER CIGARETTE.

Where would you go, then?

BEN:         Some other café? I don’t know. But I seriously don’t know if I can stand anymore of Tomasz. He’s got a proper gripe with me.

JO:             It does seem like he has a grudge. Anywa I better got back.

BEN:         Can I nick a fag?

JO GIVES BEN A CIGARETTE AND WALKS BACK INSIDE.

BEN:         Tell him I’ll be in in a minute.

BEN LOOKS ACROSS THE STREET AT A NEW COSMETICS SHOP THAT HAS OPENED. THERE IS A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE GIRL STANDING OUTSIDE HANDING PEOPLE SAMPLES. BEN SEES HER AND IS INSTANTLY INFATUATED. AN ECCENTRIC HOMELESS MAN APPROACHES BEN.

MAN:        Hey mate, give us a smoke would you?

BEN:         Sorry mate, I got this off my…

MAN:        (NOT LISTENING TO BEN) C’mon, I’ll do a handstand for you.

BEN:         What?

MAN:        I’ll do a handstand for you.

THE MAN STARTS CROUCHING DOWN.

BEN:         No no mate don’t worry, I’ll go get one from my friend…

THE MAN DOES A HANDSTAND.

MAN:        There you go, told you I could.

BEN:         (TRYING TO GET THE MAN TO STOP) Yeah very good ok, I’ll get you a cigarette.

THE MAN’S ARMS COLLAPSE AND HE SMASHES HIS FACE OFF THE GROUND.

BEN:         (IN SHOCK) Jesus Christ!

MAN:        (GROANING) Ah me fuckin’ face!

THE MAN LIES ON THE GROUND, BLEEDING AND GROANING IN PAIN. BEN LOOKS AT THE GIRL FROM THE COSMETICS SHOP WHO EVIDENTLY SAW THE FALL AND IS SHOCKED. SHE LOOKS AT BEN. BEN GETS NERVOUS AND RUNS BACK INSIDE THE CAFÉ.

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